Impress your Date by Cooking (on a Budget)

So you've finally taken the plunge. You asked the girl of your dreams out and the first date went great. Don't go patting yourself on the back yet, though. In this uncertain economy and judging from your horrible fashion sense, you need to snag this girl and quick. Not only did she laugh at your dirty limericks, but she didn't balk when you ordered that second pitcher of beer. Way to go!

The second date is an important one; one that you can assume is a good sign. If she's eager to see your ugly mug again, consider yourself lucky. Don't screw it up. What you need to do is grab her attention, so you'll stand out. She may have other men in mind if you turn out to be a dud. Don't be that guy.

A great way to show her that you're an interesting guy is to cook for her, which isn't an easy task for every man. It's uncertain whether the household chore gene is absent on the x chromosome, or if the male is just a product of his beer-swilling environment. While scientists puzzle over this age-old question, here are a few tips and guidelines to impressing that one girl that can finally quell all of those pesky gay rumors. Sorry about those, by the way.

#1: Make a good first impression.

This is the first time she's going to enter into your scary world, so for God's sake, tone it down a bit, man. Put the Xbox away and sweep away that shelf of vintage action figures. I don't care if your Boba Fett is valued at $10,000, put that stuff away. We want to send a signal out that says: "I'm a smart, cultured gentleman," not an "I took my sister to the prom" vibe.

So, now that you've hidden all of your most embarrassing possessions in your closet, you need to set the stage to impress. What does that mean? It means putting some thought into the evening. I hope you remembered what she was drinking when you first went out. Offer her that drink. Put on some mellow music at a slight volume to ease the tension. Place some flowers in the room you two will be hanging out in. Dim the lights if you can.

Important: don't overdo it, creating a big production, and by all means, stay calm. Definitely don't tell her this isn't usually how your home looks. She'll know anyways.

It goes without saying that if you want to impress any girl, you're going to need to maintain general hygiene. Shit, shower and shave wasn't just a funny saying your dad used to say. It's a training tool for the socially inept males among us, so live by it.

#2: The actual work.

I'm getting ahead of myself though. Before all of the awkwardness that is the second date, you have to prep for the dinner ahead of time. Yes, you do have to do actual work in order to impress the girl you like. Get used to it, lazy ass.

It could be worse, after all. Remember that first date? If you were taught anything about women, you'd have known to pick up the check. Sure, you had to eat ramen for the last week, but it'll be worth it. Oh, and I'm reminding you now about paying off that payday loan before Friday like you asked me to.

A good rule of thumb would be to spend between $25-35 for the meal, which isn't bad considering what your local watering hole would charge for two people and drinks. You can even stand to buy the choicest ingredients on this budget, splurging on one or two items to make the meal really pop. Remember, you're trying to impress this girl, and you can't do that with a price reduced, out-of-date meat product canned in Bolivia. Buy at least one gourmet item that'll stand out. The best way to do this would be to purchase pre-made hors d'oeuvres readily available at your local deli. You can get a nice cheese & cracker platter or some marinated olives; something along those lines. The great thing about this approach is you'll have something to munch on before and also after the dinner. If my help works though, you won't be eating much after dinner, because you'll be too busy fending off the tonsils of the estrogen-fueled hottie in front of you. Remember my help when you do get there. Actually, remember me after she leaves, because that might be awkward and will only spark more gay rumors about you.

So we've got the appetizers taken care of, now there's just the main course and dessert to worry about.  The dessert should be just as easy as the hors d'oeuvres because you can buy individual servings of sweets in your local supermarket as well.  Brownies, portions of pie, cream puffs, anything that’s available is fine, just don't choose something that looks like you didn't make it.  If you really want to impress her, though, pick up a box of brownie mix and whipped topping to make it yourself.

Now for the most important part: the main course. There should be at least two things on the plate. First, you need a protein. Chicken is a good choice as there are a lot of options when it comes time to prepare it. There's no "level of doneness" to worry about like with steaks, but be sure and cook it completely through. The worst thing that could happen on your date would be a trip to the emergency room; and no, it wouldn't be romantic if you promised to hold her hair for her.

The easiest and most flavorful way to prep your meat would be to marinate it. This step will take the longest (10-12 hours) and should be the first thing you do to prep for your date. Move aside the 30 pack in your fridge, because you're going to need some space for the meat to marinate in. You can make your own marinade, buy a ready made one, or you can simply brine the meat with ingredients you have around. The standard brining recipe only requires salt, sugar and water, but you can add any multitude of accompanying ingredients to flavor your meat. This will not only make the meat very tender and juicy, but will also add a lot of flavor, making you look like a culinary genius in the meantime.

The second mandatory item in the main course would be either a vegetable or a starch.  If you're feeling adventurous (or are desperate to make a good impression) you can opt to make both.  Whatever you do, please do not get lazy with this item.  Sure, you could just buy a can or a frozen bag of peas, but that's not how were going to impress this girl.  Buy some fresh vegetables and steam them.  Finish them off in a hot pan with some olive oil and chopped garlic.  That's it.  This is a very easy approach, yet full of class and flavor.

If you opt for the starch, just buy rice, potatoes or pasta.  There's nothing better to knock her socks off than a good mashed potato or side pasta.  The pasta shouldn't have a heavy sauce, though, if you choose to go that way.  You don't want anything to be too over powering.  Try mixing cooked pasta with a few tablespoons of butter and salt, and you're done.  Even a slacker like you could do this, I promise.

#3: The Date..

Now that you've got most of the work done, we can move ahead. So she's gone into your apartment, dug the soft tunes, and is sipping on her first glass of wine. Now what?

Now comes the impressive part. You'll know all of that hard work prepping in the kitchen paid off when you come to this point. Now you have to cook for her and not look like a fool.

In order not to look like an idiot, it helps to get a jump on the game plan ahead of time. Preheat the oven. Boil a big pot of water. Have the utensils you'll need handy. That way when it comes time to cook, you can still talk to your date while effortlessly pumping out this awesome chow.

Set up the staging area for your date, not unlike an audience to your cooking. Set some chairs up to the kitchen counter, setting up the drinks and hors d'oeuvres for her to munch on as you cook for her. Have the dinner done within a small amount of time in order to keep the good vibes flowing. Smile. Act natural and enjoy yourself. If she asks, tell her that some of the stuff wasn't made from scratch, but point out the things you did spend some time on. She'll appreciate any effort you put into the meal and you'll look like the star you should be, I promise. Even if you are star of the trailer park, hey, at least you're the star of something. Shine on, you crazy diamond. :-p